It’s one of the most successful emotionally and physically abusive tools one can use. Let me explain and I’ll play NPD and you are my partner, and you have a friend.
Let’s say I want you to have sex with me ever day, no exceptions. You of course try to do it, but life comes up sometimes. I’m getting irritated that you aren’t meeting my needs, but I know intuitively I cant force you to have sex with me, so what do I do?
I bring in a third player.
I have some alone time with one of your friends because I asked to talk to them privately, and I tell them a whole lot of “concerns” about you that are negative, but believable (like how you are so depressed all the time but really you had a stomach bug the last week), and ask if “they could help” with either telling you what to do, helping support me and avoid you (aka isolate you) or whatever.
This works on several fronts, because:
A. they don’t know the whole context (you told me in the beginning you aren’t going to have sex with me every day because that’s too much for you, and I agreed to stay in the relationship)
B. Their perception gets in the way (they saw the way you were acting all week, and it was technically negative, regardless of the stomach bug)
C. They will gain pride and ego from helping me, and who doesn’t like feeling like they are helping somebody? It’s healthy, right? They are now a hero helping victim me from persecutor you, all playing nicely into the drama triangle:
So ok, they come tell you they noticed you aren’t pulling their weight (huge boundary break) or a lesser action would be us two start hanging out more, and avoiding you. You’re clearly confused now, but can tell roughly what’s going on. So you speak out, but triangulation has a safety net for that.
If you start questioning it, I will say you are being jealous.
If you ask for me to come back, I’ll just point out you weren’t there for me and have no right to ask for more. “You’re being needy” or “I don’t owe you anything”
You try to point out to the friend the whole truth, but because they only saw you being negative and not the other, they will inherently believe their own perception more.
If we were playing chess, I checkmated you the instant I did this. There is practically NOTHING you can do to win in this situation and I not only get you to feel bad, but I take control of your friend too. I get all plausible deniability and validation, and you just sit there gaslighted as all heck and you either take a huge hit to your sense of self and reality or lose your friend and partner. Even if you leave I come out looking like the hero for escaping the abusive situation. If you stay I now set a precedent that whenever you don’t meet my needs, you will get way more than just broken up with, and deep down you know that.
This technique works on anyone who isn’t familiar with it, and anyone who gains pride in helping others (not necessarily unhealthy, but allows you to get played by these pathological people).
Also, triangulation doesn’t have to be another person, it can be something else. “Oh I’m busy at work” and “I gotta do this useless thing I’ve never done before” or past references like “my ex never did that” or “nobody does that”
If you ever find yourself in this situation, please, and I’m begging you, please, do not question yourself, leave the situation at first emotionally, then physically as soon as possible, because even if they are completely right in what they are saying, they are still abusing you.
Think of it this way, if someone threatens to hurt you if you don’t recycle a plastic bottle youre holding (I know, extreme example but you get the point), it doesn’t matter if recycling is good, they are still abusing you and controlling you.
Run.