Podcast #707: Did You Pick the Right Partner?
Whether you’ve been dating someone for a short time or been married for years, there’s one question that can remain perennially interesting — did I choose the right partner?
My guest today has some answers to that question that aren’t based on crowd-sourced anecdotes or biased personal hunches, but reams of scientific research. His name is Ty Tashiro and he’s a professor of psychology, a relationship expert, and the author of The Science of Happily Ever After: What Really Matters in the Quest for Enduring Love. We begin our discussion with the difference between loving someone and being in love with them, and how the latter comes down to a combination of like and lust. Ty shares the three elements that go into liking, and how this liking piece is really the foundation of long-lasting relational happiness, even though it tends to get underemphasized. Ty then reveals the surprisingly low ROI of factors like looks and income in relationship happiness, before unpacking the factors that do have an outsized impact in contributing to enduring love. We discuss which personality traits are predictive of relationship stability and satisfaction, which have the opposite effect, and why you need to ask your friends for their assessment of your significant other’s personality, rather than only assessing it yourself. We also get into the importance of your partner’s attachment style, which they learned in childhood, and two red flags to look for in your relationship.
These insights will prove super useful for those in the dating scene, but will also be of interest to those already in long-term relationships, in either affirming the wisdom of your choice of partner, or helping you identify issues that may be sabotaging your relationship and can still be addressed.
If reading this in an email, click the title of the post to listen to the show.
Show Highlights
- The difference between loving someone and being in love with someone
- 3 factors that contribute to whether you like someone or not
- When and why does lust ebb more than like?
- How much do looks really matter?
- The value of deciding the traits and characteristics that are most important to you
- Which personality traits to avoid in a partner
- What is “attachment style” and how does it play out in our relationships?
- What are some red flags to be on the look out for?
Resources/Articles/People Mentioned in Podcast
- My first interview with Ty on the science of social awkwardness
- 14 Red Flags to Look Out for in a Relationship
- The Best Relationship Episodes of the AoM Podcast
- 6 Tips for Successful and Gentlemanly Online Dating
- How to Test Your Relationship Without Moving In Together
- Attached
- How to Communicate Your Needs in a Relationship
- Treating Your Relationship Like a Bank Account
