https://www.quora.com/q/new?ni=0&nsrc=4&snid3=18101025016&tiids=22529459
This is another of those overly broad questions that dehumanizes people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder by assuming they are all exactly alike. They are not all alike with regard to sex, except in so far as their narcissism limits their emotional empathy for their partner.
After listening to many Narcissists talk about their sex life, I found a variety of patterns based on the Narcissist’s self-image, gender, goals, sexual problems, and whether they use sex to get validation.
Here are some common narcissistic sex patterns and the nicknames I have given them to describe their main characteristic.
Casanovas—I named this pattern after the Venetian aristocrat Giacomo Casanova (1725–1798) who is mainly remembered for the book he wrote about his life, The Memoirs of Casanova, in which he described all the women he had seduced.
Source: Drawing of Casanova by his brother Federico
Here are some cynical quotes about women from Casanova’s book that reveal his perspective:
As to the deceit perpetrated upon women, let it pass, for when love is in the way, men and women generally dupe each other.
Be the flame, not the moth.
Marriage is the death of love.
Narcissistic men with the Casanova pattern love the seduction, and enjoy the sex, but what they really enjoy is the validation that they feel from convincing a desirable woman to have sex with them. She represents a notch on their bedpost. These guys could not care less about the woman’s pleasure. In a week or less, they will be chasing someone else.
This pattern can be heterosexual or homosexual or any other variation. It is all about the excitement of the chase and the validation having sex with the person provides. This is a game to them that they win by “scoring.” And, many of them, like the original Casanova, actually keep track.
Femme Fatales—These are usually very sexually appealing narcissistic women who use their allure to get whatever they want from their sexual partners. The “fatale” part is that these women, like the mythical Sirens who lured men to their death, have no emotional empathy and often enjoy manipulating their sexual partners in destructive ways. Sometimes money is part of this and they will get their lovers to spend more than they can afford.
Source: Painting by John W. Waterhouse/en.Wikipedia.org
Do they want their partners to feel sexual pleasure?
Only in so far as their pleasure lures them in and makes them easy to exploit.
Lovers—This group uses their prowess at sex to support their self-esteem. Most of their pleasure comes from giving their partner pleasure—preferably the best sex that they have ever known. They pride themselves on how many orgasms their partner has. I have known people with this pattern who, because it is all about validating them as the greatest lover, did not care if they had an orgasm themselves.
Takers—Here we have a group of people who are only focused on their own sexual pleasure. Unlike the Lovers, most of this group are quote capable of enjoying sex with a woman who hates every minute of it. One of the interesting facts about the Takers, are their favorite ways of having intercourse.
- Man moves—woman lies still and open.
- Man lies still inside of woman on his back and directs woman to move up and down, while he does not move.
- Man tells woman what he wants her to do to him.
As you can see, this sex is not based on co-creating a mutually satisfying way of having sex. The man is in total power and rather indifferent to the woman’s pleasure.
In general, the Takers are rather rigid and basically have the exact same type of sex with all their lovers. If they are married and their spouse wants something different, or needs more foreplay or mutuality to feel satisfied, they are likely to try and make her feel sexually inadequate.
There is something wrong with you. All my prior lovers orgasmed easily.
Humiliators—This group usually have the Malignant subtype of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (MNPD). MNPD is NPD combined with sadism. They get sexually aroused by humiliating their sexual partners. Here is an abbreviated version of how one man with MNPD described how he liked to have sex.
I was the unpopular boy in high school who couldn’t get any of the pretty girls to date me. I swore that someday I would get even. Now, I am a fashion photographer. When I meet a girl I want to f*ck, I tell her to come back and I will audition her for an important ad campaign.
I start out slow and compliment her body and get her to gradually undress while I photograph her. Then, once she is naked, I get her to assume increasingly uncomfortable poses. I keep upping the humiliation level of the poses. If she protests, I tell her, “Fine. Get out of here. The job will go to a woman who is proud to show the camera her body.” That usually makes them decide to stay. I keep escalating things until she is crying and broken. Then I f*ck her hard and throw her out naked and toss her clothes after her.
Source: Jarmoluk/pixabay
Average—These are the Narcissists who are plain Vanilla when it comes to their sexual preferences. They are about average at sex and do not have any major kinks. Some are on the low end of average. The narcissistic men are usually sufficiently satisfied during sex, but their wives complain about feel bored or unfulfilled.
The wives report wanting more intimacy and connection during sex than their mates provide. The women tend to use vibrators to orgasm.
The narcissistic women in this category often pretend in the beginning of the relationship to be more sexual than they actually are. This is the source of the old joke:
Question—How do you stop a woman from having sex?
Answer—Marry her.
Some of the men attribute their wife’s lack of interest in sex and inability to orgasm during intercourse to almost anything but their own lack of sexual prowess and inability to provide emotional intimacy.
Punchline: Some Narcissists care about their partner’s sexual satisfaction and some do not. In general, whatever their pattern of sexual preferences, in the end it is all about what makes the Narcissistic partner feel good.
Elinor Greenberg, PhD, CGP
In private practice and the author of the book: Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations.
www.elinorgreenberg.com