Marie Carson · March 23Writer, Researcher of NPD/Addictive Relationships
Rumination can be your biggest sabotage to recovery from narcissistic abuse, and prevent you from fully escaping it. It has definitely been my biggest roadblock. There have been times when I was moving right on track in a positive direction, and all it took was a bad spell of ruminating thoughts to second-guess my progress and revisit all my doubts, fears, mistakes, and (perceived) loneliness. Then, I was right back where I started – desperate for a quick fix, relief from the painful emotions, and seeking a temporary bandaid that was my emotional dependence on the narcissisist. And the next thing I knew, I was breaking no contact, and inviting my abuser back into my life to repeat the toxic cycle all over again.
Unfortunately, we can’t blink our eyes to recovery and avoid all the traps that our minds can create to put us back on the merry-go-round from hell. We must move through recovery to get to the other side. And in order to do that, we must process the abuse and what has happened to us so we can then put it behind us and move on with our lives. But often, people don’t realize that processing is not always actively thinking. In fact, overthinking is almost always counterproductive.
There are many alternative healthy ways to process trauma and avoid harmful rumination that impedes recovery. The solutions below may seem obvious and repetitive, but you may not know or understand how they can serve as ‘hacks’ for rewiring your brain and protect you from the landmines that can sabotage moving forward narcissisist-free. These are what have worked best for me, and I hope they help you too. Instead of The Seven Deadly Sins, think of them as The Seven Living Wins.
- Catch Some Zzzzs. Get plenty of sleep. I cannot stress this enough. Being overly tired can lead to irritation, depression, additional brain fog, and lounging about with too much time on your hands for intrusive thinking and knee-jerk reacting. Your body and mind have been working overtime to ensure your survival. Adequate rest provides the much-needed energy to help you properly recover from the aftermath and truama. Additionally, with sleep comes dreams. You may not always remember them, but dreaming is your mind’s natural and necessary way of processing what has happened to you. Think of it as a freebie step to recovery. You and your body get a break while your mind is on autopilot, moving you through the process without you having a chance to react to it. If you have trouble sleeping, look into relaxation methods and natural remedies.
- Establish a Routine. Replacing old, bad habits with new, good habits creates a framework for your recovery. When you maintain a healthy schedule of good intentions, your brain will naturally fall in line with what it needs to do – rather than taking you in all kinds of unhealthy and dangerous directions. Take the small, most important steps to meet the basics first, then incorporate broader needs that support your recovery. Get a sleep schedule established, then work in an hour before bedtime to meditate, take a relaxing bath, or read something uplifting or positive. Set your day’s routine to align with your physical, mental, and spiritual needs: Coffee, breakfast, water, journaling, work, water, lunch, afternoon walk, water, work, social/family time, dinner, water, relax, sleep, repeat. Set alarms as reminders. Try to keep it all on a daily schedule. Eventually, when your mind starts to wander, your brain will have healthy new habits to pull you back on track.
- Express Yourself. Creative expression is similar to dreaming in that it will help you process trauma without dissecting every thought and setting you up to react. Do you have a special talent? If so, dive into it. If not, now is the time to tackle that hobby you’ve always wanted to try. Paint, sing, write poetry, invent, cross-stitch, sketch, compose music, take up pottery. Let your mind loose on a creative outlet and not on yourself! You will be amazed at what comes through. Don’t be afraid of of it. There is no failure here, or wrong way. Your expressions are normal, healthy, and above all else – yours. You don’t have to show anyone. Just let it go and reconnect with the child-like joy and carelessness of play. You might just create a masterpiece! And how cool and meaningful would it be to have something wonderful and triumphant to show, despite all of the bad?
- Get Physical. Move your body with bold intention. Yes, exercise is healthy and will help keep you in your sleep routine. But an often overlooked benefit is – you guessed it – processing. Did you know that therapists will often recommend that victims engage themselves in an activity with a wide-range of fluid boldily motion and challenge, as quickly as possibly after a traumatic event? This serves several purposes. It keeps your mind centered, focused, grounded, and in the present moment. It signals your brain to shut down your instinctive stress hormone and flight response because you are now back in control of your body and safety. The very act of forward motion symbolizes propelling you forward. It reminds you that life goes on, and so must you. It tells your mind, “This is where I am headed. I am not going back. I am in charge of my thoughts, actions, and reactions. This is my journey.” Hike, skate, kayak, climb a mountain, snow shoe, go horse-back riding, swim, dance… occupy your body and mind with something challenging and new, and signal the reclamation of your power!
- Treat Yourself. Indulge in the good stuff, not in the rumination! Refresh your wardrobe, take a roadtrip, try a new hairstyle, update your kitchen, go to the spa, eat the cake, buy the shoes. And savor it all. You deserve to spoil yourself. You’ve been through a lot! Someone treated you very badly, so now it’s time to make up for lost time and treat yourself well. You are likely an over-giver and under-taker, so this sets a new standard of giving back to yourself and not waiting around for someone else to pour love into you. Make it part of your new routine that is right for you – research those recipes, plan that trip, taste that wine, shop for that furniture, try on all the outfits, make a Pintrest board, do a makeup tutorial.
- Give Grace. It may seem like there’s not a lot to be grateful for right now. But you are alive. You made it through the abuse. And you’re not just a survivor, you’re a thriver. Start with just a small act when your mind starts to drift to the dark side. Get up and go outside, stand still and close your eyes, breathe the air deeply into your lungs. Feel how alive you are. Then take a good look around at that big ole’ world out there, just full of new possibilities waiting for you. No matter your age, condition, or circumstances, it’s never too late. This is your new canvas. Your path forward. Your redemption. Give yourself grace for your oversights and your missteps. Congratulate yourself for putting you first, and putting your past to rest. Then be grateful for the chance to start anew.
- Stay Balanced. Ruminating is the result of overthinking. While thinking is a healthy and necessary part of the recovery process, it is also just another example of how too much of anything can be a bad thing. And the same goes for any of the above. So watch out for behavior that turns into obsessing, perfectionism, or acts a tool for avoidance or escape. Just like over-working or over-eating, one can overindulge in anything. That’s when even healthy and necessary things like exercise and rest can become unhealthy. Strive for mindful awareness and presence, not narrowing in on thoughts and behavior with rumination and obsession. Balance your routine, your work, your play, your self-care, your physical needs, and your recovery. Balance your life so well, that no one can possibly come along and knock you off balance again.
I hope this helps free your mind from the ruminating setbacks. Be well and seize your life!