This should really be a very short post, there is only one answer…LEAVE! Don’t look back and go no contact.
This isn’t always possible, and whilst I’m not an expert i an experienced at dealing with toxic people of all kinds. The why and wherefore of my experience matters little, what matters is that I survived and so hope my tips help others.
Don’t take things personality
Easy to say, hard to do. Surprisingly simple if you understand that when a toxic person says something mean, it’s more about them than you.
Opinions are like buttholes, all are useful, most are full of crap and the rest smell bad.
Ask yourself:
Are they qualified to give that opinion?
Is it constructive? Can I learn from it?
Why are they giving that opinion?
This removes emotional thinking and retains objectivity which means they have no power over you.
It doesn’t matter if people like you
It’s reasonable to assert that you don’t like everyone you meet, right? So logically, is it not also reasonable to assert that not everyone will like you?
It’s ok for people not to like you, it doesn’t make you any less of a person, or diminish your worth in any way. Just as you not liking someone else will not diminish their worth.
The moment it stops being important whether other people like you, it allows you to be more authentic. Narcissistic individuals dislike authentic people.
If you stop needing then to like you, it’s like garlic to a vampire.
Embrace your faults and celebrate them
By knowing, and embracing your faults, and celebrating them as opportunities for growth, it allows you to own yourself. Being self-possessed is key to being content and being ok with not being ok.
Everyone has faults, I choose to laugh at mine, you need to find a way to embrace and accept the faults you have.
Toxic people get to you through your insecurities, so if you are secure in your faults as you are in your strength, they cannot hold power over you.
Know yourself, and accept yourself as perfectly flawed.
Grow, don’t change
This refers back to critical comments, when someone gives you critical feedback use it to grow but don’t change who you are for anyone.
I ask myself these questions:
- Is this something I like about myself?
- Does this behaviour harm them, me and or others?
- Is this conducive to growth?
- How can I be more mindful of this going forward?
Decide the answers you are happy with. Sometimes it is something you need to modify because it hurts people, and sometimes it’s just something the other person finds annoying. Set your parameters as to what will constitute a good reason to change.
It is reasonable to make reasonable adjustments to our behaviour to accommodate healthy boundaries, it is unreasonable to change everything about yourself for someone else to be happy.
They are not your responsibility YOU are.
Their moods, their happiness, and their anxiety are not your responsibility. The way they treat you is not your responsibility. Their actions, words and behaviours are their responsibility and theirs alone. This goes for you as well, you are not their responsibility, only you are responsible for yourself.
It is not your job to make someone else happy, in a healthy relationship you support each other to find your own happiness.
Take stock of your actions and your part in the situation, because ultimately we all have a part to play. If you are clear, calm, and open in your communication, and are asking for reasonable things and they react inappropriately, that’s on them.
You are responsible for you, by not taking responsibility for their actions, you take away their excuses and force them to shine a mirror of truth on themselves. They won’t like it, they will get angry and you can sit in the satisfaction that you deserve better.
Don’t defend, don’t retaliate, Don’t explain
When a toxic person engages in an argument, you can not win, so don’t try. It’s difficult because you’ll want to but they don’t care.
Don’t invalidate, simply acknowledge their reality and that it’s not the same as yours and move on. I learned that the hard way!
If they gaslight, get evidence for yourself, and yourself only. It doesn’t matter about showing them what they did, they don’t care. That’s got nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them.
Trust your gut
If your gut is saying it’s wrong, you don’t need anything more, just go! Your gut knows even if your brain doesn’t.
Avoid triangulation and don’t play their games
If it’s via a 3rd party, either it’s rubbish, or not important enough to say directly.
If they say your mate said bad stuff, there are two ways to approach it.
- Ask them politely and with compassion
- Ignore it because it’s probably rubbish
Don’t take a 3rd parties word for it, don’t judge people on what others claim, just on what you know to be true.
Know yourself and your reality
You know yourself better than anyone (unless you’re a narcissist) and so you know your reality.
They will claim you don’t, and sometimes, they will say things such as “you’re lying to yourself “ or “you don’t know who you are.”
Neither is true, if you hear either of these RUN!
You have nothing to prove
Just be you, that’s it. You have nothing to prove to anyone. It doesn’t matter what they said, what smears are going on, just be you. People will soon see their lies.
Do NOT call them out
They will only gaslight you.
If you get it wrong, you could cause serious psychological damage, that’s not the goal and it helps no one.
If you’re right they will never accept it and it could become dangerous for you.
It doesn’t matter if they know who you think they are, all that matters is how they treat you. If they treat you badly, leave.
Have a plan and leave
Ultimately the goal is to go, be safe, have a plan and get out ASAP!