Todd Skyler
Litigated cases in which aspects of NPD and BPD impacted subject matter of disputed legal issues, secured psychologists and psychiatrists discovery depositions in prep for same.
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In order to develop an understanding what it is that precipitates a narcissist’s ending a relationship with his or her significant other (SO), I think it would be beneficial to to have an overview of the narcissist-significant other discard dynamic.
Many narcissists are inclined to become addicted to those things that temporarily anesthetize them from the anxiety and angst that is generated by feelings of………………
•emptiness
•dysphoria
•shame
•vulnerability
•unlovability
•worthlessness
Narcissist’s Drug of Choice — New Found Love
It appears that one of Mother Nature’s most potent “drugs” is new found love which generates a euphoria high.
The euphoric bliss that is generated by infatuation is akin to any other drug in many ways. For example, the high is finite. Additionally, it diminishes over time.
In other words, the euphoria buzz associated with new love will inevitably fade, and then the narcissist is back to square one..
When the Euphoric Buzz of New Love Fades, Boredom will Quickly Set In
In general, new found love’s euphoria high seems to begin to ebb at roughly the six months from that a new found love relationship commences.
When the euphoric/anesthetic influence of new-found love begins to fade, the narcissist is apt to simultaneously begin to get bored.
This is when a domino effect takes place. When the narcissist gets bored, such that his significant other is producing “stale fuel,” the narcissist may very well decide to start to grooming a SO replacement module(s). Shortly thereafter, the narcissist kicks off Devaluation Phase.
Devaluation Phase
In general, when significant others (SOs) harken back and examine their narcissist/neurotypical (NT) relationship history, they often discover that at around the six month mark, the narcissist relationship partner had begun to either consciously or subconsciously devalue them.
The narcissist was apt to have start…
•picking at the SO
•adopting a push-pull protocol of being loving and kind one day and then being angry and cruel the next or vice versa
•looking for problems where none exist
•finding fault with SO
•utilizing intermittent reinforcement as a punishment/reward tactic
•stonewalling the SO
•giving the SO the silent treatment
•ghosting the SO
When and if the SO fought back or called the narcissist out for his unwarranted, unjust, and uncalled for abuse, the narcissist likely doubled down on his or her abuse by stating the SO was…..
•being too sensitive
•being a whiner or a baby
•incapable of taking a joke
•being too complicated
•acting as if she were crazy
Plausible Deniability
Because the narcissist is shame avoidant, he or she would not be inclined to “without cause” suddenly replace his present SO/module with a new module.
In order to avoid experiencing a shame spiral touched off by bad press/bad publicity with others, the narcissist often had been inclined to find a pretext/excuse to either “compel” his SO to leave “on her own free will” or give the narcissist an excuse/reason to bail. This what is known as plausible deniability.
In other words, the narcissist walks away from the relationship whereby it appears that he or she did not have a hand in the relationship’s demise; rather, it will appear as if the significant other was responsible for causing all the interpersonal relationship problems.
Consequently, third parties are given the impression the narcissist was merely a good guy/gal who was a victim of bad circumstances.
The narcissist will engineer or choreograph events from the perspective that the narcissist had no choice but to get rid of his significant other who the narcissist has painted as crazy.
It is important to note that the narcissist does not care what the SO thinks; he or she is more concerned about what strangers/third parties might think.
The Discard
Once the narcissist has a pretext to bail on the relationship as well as plausible deniability, the narcissist will discard the SO.
In other words, the narcissist can say something to the SO akin to, “you have given me no choice but to bail on this relationship. Don’t blame me for leaving! You forced my hand and brought this on yourself.”
This is a classic set up!!
This kind of behavior by the narcissist can be crazy making because rather than try to work through things by honestly communicating his concerns, feelings, or issues with the SO, the narcissist contrived a situation that made it look like he had no choice but to get rid of that “no good SO!!!
Conclusion
If the narcissist manipulates the SO in addition to the opinions of others, he will be able to abuse his SO, and then turn around and assert the SO was responsible for his having abused her in the first place.
The narcissist will in essence choreograph the relationship implosion as well as all the collateral pieces on the chessboard such that he comes off smelling like a rose.
Unbeknownst to the SO, many narcissists seem to see their relationship as if were a game in which they have every intention of “winning.”
The travesty is that had the SO known that the narcissist was capable of pulling a “groom and remove” maneuver, she would have been on equal footing with the narcissist at forefront of the game.
Most narcissists are not likely going to extend a SO such a courtesy. The narcissist understands all too well that for the prototypical idealize/devalue/discard cycle to play out whereby the narcissist is always “one-up,” the narcissist will make certain that all his bets are covered by staying ten steps ahead of his or her SO at all times.